I first started recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been hooked on porn for more than 20 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep knowing I was in big trouble. While lying in bed, I felt a great dread that there was absolutely no escape because I knew I couldn’t stop. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom.

A few days later my wife had happened to be at a lecture by a well-known therapist who mentioned the 12-Step program. She came back home and told me that she was convinced that this was the only way to recover from my addiction. I wasn’t convinced I was a real addict, but I was desperate to pacify my wife. The next day, I went onto a recovery website and two things I read there made a great impression on me. One was a reply from an addiction expert who said that if you know that a behavior is wrong, you try to stop and you are not successful, then you are an addict. And the second was an article from someone who had been sober from porn for more than two years. He wrote that when he starts to think that he has this ‘licked’ then he knows that he’s in trouble. I also read a lot about the 12 Steps on that website.

I spent my first two weeks in a severe crisis. My wife was a wreck and was barely talking to me. I had to take a hard look at myself and admit that I am a porn addict. I joined the 12-step program and got myself a sponsor. I studied the first step and tried to understand what it meant to be powerless over my addiction. I went through the following process:

1. I admitted that I am a porn addict. That was a huge blow to my ego, I felt shattered.

2. I tried to conceive of submitting my will to the Will of God, but a part of me was actively resisting. Whenever I tried, the addiction was looking right over my shoulder and laughing at me. It was saying, “You can say what you want. You can accept what you want. In the end, you will come back to me and continue acting out.” It was a huge revelation to shine a light on this part of me. Just the fact that I discovered it and brought it out into the open, significantly diminished its power.
   
3. At this point, I asked myself where do I go from here? I looked at the second and third steps of the program and the answer was obvious. I submitted myself to God and asked Him to help me. This was the first time in my life I felt I had truly submitted my will to a Higher Power.

I’ve been working one-on-one with my sponsor since the beginning. He has been a huge help in guiding me on the path of recovery, including teaching me many practical tools and exercises.

I also find daily inspirational emails to be very helpful. I start my day by reading them. They set the tone for the day.

One of the best things I saw on PA (and heard from my sponsor) is that the first look is on God and the second look is on me. If I notice something triggering, I accept that I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m still clean. I have to concentrate on not looking a second time. If I’m having a hard time, I’ll say a quiet prayer, “God, I cannot control my lust. I ask you to take it from me.” It works!

I am clean already two years, thank God, one day at a time. Throughout my journey, I have worked hard on connecting to my Higher Power and relying on Him for help. My relationship with God has changed from seeing myself as dirty and bad, to that of an only son who is trusting his loving Father to care for him.

In retrospect, I feel that God actually took pity on me  by sending my wife to bust me, so that I would hit rock bottom. This sent me to the program and saved my life.